That time I murdered a Mommy raccoon

So I planted this really amazing container garden on our back patio with zinnias, alyssum and my new favorite flower - Gibsonii castor bean. Gary noticed that something had attacked the plant in the middle of the night since there were a bunch of uprooted plants, dirt scattered on the patio, and several missing castor bean seedlings.

Gary: Something ate your plants on the back patio.

Me being super dramatic: WHAAAT?What on Earth would eat my beautiful baby castor beans? I hope it dies. Actually, it probably won't die because you'd have to eat a lot of it. I am sure that nothing would purposely eat my plants. Maybe it was a squirrel burying something? Or the cat?

Gary shrugs because he's Gary.

*Look what you've done! I'm melting! MELTING! Oh, what a world! What a world!*

The next day we have two little baby raccoons running around our tree looking for their mother. They are adorable but they seem to be acting a little cracked out. Like they had too much Xanax and they can’t open their eyes all the way. Like baby Anna Nicole Smith circa 2003 raccoons.

Gary: Do you think that is what got into your beans? Where is their mother?

Me: I don't think so. How would the raccoon get on the patio? It's super high... I don’t think raccoons can climb. Did she take the stairs? Do raccoons like beans? Maybe the mom is sleeping in her raccoon cave.

Then we watch in horror as the baby raccoons run around like little adorable drunken idiots and then they crawl over to the patio, up the pile of debris (hooray for neverending remodeling) and right to the planter full of poisonous castor bean.

We never found their mother's body but the moral of the story is, yes, castor bean is apparently poisonous just like everyone says. AND don't mess with my flowers, or I'll kill your mother.